The Missing Rulebook: Modern Professional Etiquette

Years ago, my mother said something that has stayed with me. I don’t recall exactly where we were or what we were doing, but I vividly remember her comment. She said, “I feel really sorry for your generation.”

At the time, I was a young woman, working hard, starting a family … all the things. I was busy and stressed, but still didn’t understand her comment.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because my generation worked incredibly hard to throw out the rulebook for women – all the expectations and rules about what was acceptable and allowed. But,” she said, “we never gave you a new rulebook. And now you are all running around, trying to do everything.

It seems to me that we’ve done a similar thing at work.

Over the past decade – accelerated by Covid – we threw out the old professional rulebook. Dress codes. Hierarchies. Scripted communication. Sharp lines between professional and personal. Like with my bra-burning mother, much of that change has been for the better. Work is more human now. More flexible. More accessible.

But we never really replaced the rules.

So now we’re navigating workplaces that are more casual and more confusing. We communicate across email, Slack, text, Zoom, DMs, and voice notes. We work across generations, industries, and cultures, all carrying different assumptions about what’s appropriate.

Is it okay to text a client?

Do we hug or shake hands?

Can I look at my phone during a meeting?

How quickly is “quick” when it comes to responding?

Cameras on or off?

What does “business casual” even mean?

Most missteps today aren’t about being unprofessional. They’re about unclear expectations.

This is why modern professional etiquette matters.

Modern professional etiquette is not about which fork to use or whether you can wear white after Labor Day. It is not a return to forced formality or blind adherence to a long list of rules. It is developing the skills to move through work with intention, respect, and clarity.

For me, it rests on three simple pillars: awareness, courtesy, and communication.

Awareness is understanding context. What kind of meeting is this? Who’s in the room? What does this moment require? A brainstorm is not a decision-making meeting. A crisis is not a routine update.

Courtesy is acknowledgment in a way that signals respect. Saying hello. Being prepared. Showing up on time. Letting people know what to expect. Closing loops. Remembering that there is a human being on the other side of the screen.

Communication is contribution, not performance. Clarity over cleverness. Presence over posturing. Asking, “What’s actually needed here?”

The absence of a rulebook doesn’t mean anything goes. It means we each have a little more opportunity and responsibility to define what we want to communicate to others and how we want to be viewed and understood in our professional worlds.